E.N.C.E.P.H.A.L.O.N

Saturday, May 10, 2008, 1:22 PM

Hey all!

Sorry for the delay in a new entry. Am a little caught up in my new life. Well... new life equates to change and so there will be a change! I’m switching over from blogger to LJ! So excited! hehe... After all, a lot of my friends are already on LJ and i think it’s about time i join them =D  With all the drama happening within just this month (school and friends) i think a change is good. After al, life is all about changing. Always changing to be in a  better place. School has been somewhat manageable. It’s but the first month of the school term.


On a less than entertaining note, youngsters these days seem to be having a lot of trouble keeping it real. The world is filled with gray areas and it is almost impossible to have a ‘1+1’ equation to questions like ‘why am i gay?’ . People who would betray their friends just to be with the popular clique. We all seem to like to stay in denial and never get out of it. Others who would make lots of assumption (and create gossip) so they can make themselves much more ‘interesting’ to people. I guess it’s an innate need to hide a certain flaw of themselves. After all, such people make themselves seem like a hero or a character much sneakier than that. They make me wanna go up and say “ Hi! I’m Johnathon and I’m confident and happy with myself! Are you?” =D But that would be just plain mean won’t it?    - smirk- I guess they just wish or the world to revolve around them. Not sure when that will be, but I’m pretty sure it won’t be when I’m around. Guess some of us just station ourselves on the cross roads of ‘Denial Ave’ and ‘Pathetic St’.


ANYWAYS, I hope to see you all on LJ still. Please feel free to comment on my post if you are there. Much appreciated and also, thanks for reading my entries up till now =D


[K]azuki


P.S. currently on my playing on my itunes is the song ‘Point of view’ by Db Boulevard. ‘Can’t you see, life’s easy. If you consider things from another point of view’. Those people whom i have mentioned might wanna try remembering this few lines. After all, life isn’t all that we assume it to be. Or is it?   =D    Cya on LJ!

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Monday, April 28, 2008, 8:27 PM

With regards to my previous post:

i give my admiration to for the 2 girls and 5 boys who cornered me after lecture to confront me about my previous entry about a bunch of twats - althou being circled by them is hardly what i would say as a "ball-shrinking" moment, finally some action to an other wise blah monday -

So, it ended quote "forget all the past mistakes and be friends in the future". we'll try to work out our "differences" - me being a bisexual and them.. ermm being them? -


With that said "live and let bitch"

[K]azuki 


Sunday, April 27, 2008, 11:29 AM

Last night, while out with Kalvin, we were pretty much bored and had decided to play a little road game he calls “count the gays”. So within the span of 2 hours, we walked from Raffles City and through City Link then into Marina Square. If you think we are done, afterwhich we went over to Suntec and then back into City Link and one last final lap within Raffles City. The total outcome of this? 1034 GAYS counted on the streets. All within a span of 2 hours. So we were bored and this was fun =D


However a much more ‘political’ topic came up in our conversation. If you are gay, you probably would have heard about Mediacorp being fined $15,000 for airing a show which “promotes a gay lifestyle”. It was a home decor show which was depicting a gay family with a baby. In my opinion, MDA was within their limits and rights to have fined Mediacorp. It wasn’t a first offense and it’s not like Mediacorp can’t afford the $15,000 fine. Gays in Singapore are taking this way too personally. It’s not like that rule was created yesterday and used to simply target the gays. The MDA didn't say ‘die you stupid fags’. Aren’t you guys procrastinating? When the rule existed, you kept quiet. Only when something happened then you start getting over dramatic and becoming so gung ho about gay activism. There are always both side to a situation. Stop over dramatising.


To heighten this melodramatic moment, One Seven have just been raided 2 nights ago and apparently the particulars of the patrons were taken down. Some said that the raid was in the pretense of “candy” while others had said that it was blatantly because of suspicion of activities within One Seven which was in breech of S377A. Whichever it was, the gays are already starting to make it very very dramatic. Don’t over react. Look at the whole situation logically and maturely instead of rushing into it head first and creating such a spectacle that will only cause more harm than good.


I understand that some people, after reading this post, will have strong feelings AGAINST me. Well, there is nothing i can do there i guess... You’ve got a pen and a paper. Why don’t you write a long long letter to someone and complain about me then? Since apparently you only know how to type behind a screen to voice how displeased you are.


[K]azuki

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 7:21 PM

Etiquette has more or less died among youngsters these days. When did double standard and self-centeredness become a core value for people to live by?

Today was the first time I lost my temper to 2 of my classmates. Girls might I add. For all those who has known me for awhile, you’ll know that I rarely lose me temper on girls. But amazingly, this 2 girls managed to push EVERY BUTTON to piss me off. To the first girl, if I have given u ample respect and given u your space, isn’t it only right that I get some back? Smacking people cause you feel like it? Oh and I can’t smack back cause I’m a guy… Honestly.

Second girl. Please get hitched. Please do. And try having your heart broken and the only thing left is a memento which people like u have no respect for. GROW UP. You have no respect for the things that belong to other people and being dumb and acting cute really doesn’t change that fact. And I get real. When someone want to apologize, it’s just 3 words ‘I am sorry’ done sincerely. There isn’t some bag pulling, shoulder tapping nor hysterical laughter involved. If you cant event manage a simple clear apology then its really sad. Cause the apologies u made were down right insincere and insulting to someone who is pissed.

Oh AND the same girl who called another male classmate a pervert cause he saw what one of the other girl had typed in an sms. Now tagged team with gal number one to pester him into divulging the name of the classmate who smokes cause they are just CURIOUS~ What the hell kind of double standard is this? So people cannot invade the privacy of you and the people around you. But you have every right to invade others? GROW THE HELL UP. HOW OLD ARE YOU! Forcing someone else to betray a friend cause u are just curious?! Does that even make sense to you, now that I am spelling it out?! In case u cant figure out the damage u are doing. The terms is sowing discord. SIMPLE AS SUCH. Life ain’t a bed of roses anymore eh.

If u are reading this, I don’t care if I will ever be friends with you right now. Cause your lack of interest in someone else’s life disgust me. When u want to apologize. Please make it sincere. NOT HYSTERICAL. And to end if off, a quote from Margaret Cho. “If you don’t like me… I’m going to make you hate me!”

[K]azuki

mood: pissed



Sunday, April 13, 2008, 10:35 PM

Its interesting when popular gay cruising sites are shut down or in this case “under renovation” . That’s right buddies!!! The toilet of city-link has been shut down for renovation! That would kind of explain why my Kalvin got cruised while waiting for me outside Body Shop.

 “Definitely, Maybe”

A fairly entertaining chic flick. Plot of it is rather simple. An overly curious daughter prying into the past relationships of her “to-be-divorced” father. Interestingly enough, the show is told much like a narration of the stories. Jokes are simple enough to be understood by most. However, one has to wonder if the director has something against Bill Clinton due to the often mentioned scandal of his rumps.

But overall, I give it 3.5 out of 5 stars. Definitely worth your time and when u are feeling down and unloved, this might be a good choice to pop into your DVD player. Do not expect much tears nor heart wrenching moments. Simple touching relationship between father and daughter with heart-warming scenes. Do catch it while it’s still airing.

[K]azuki

PS. Why in hell is the leap years still showing?!



Saturday, April 12, 2008, 8:36 PM

Hmmm… I’ve never really understood the point of assumptions. Being a bi in this community, its amusing how much others can assume and stereotype me to be. When I come out to the straights, they say “ good! You date girls!”  But when it comes to conversing about me dating guys, They shy away from me as if I was the black plague. Excuse me? I believed that when I said bi, I told you that I date guys too?

The queers themselves aren’t much of a saint either! To them, if I have not fucked a gal, that would equate to be being gay. HELLO~ how old am I again? Anyways, I believed I was always more of the relationship kinda guy and never the ‘be kind to your Friday mistake on Saturday morning’ person. And even more interestingly, just cause I’m young and enjoy my share of bitching and shaming others, doesn’t equate to me being a bottom… GET REAL old geezers. Why not u guys bend over and let me prove to u that I’m top then? Tsk~  I mean come on society. People stereotype because they do not understand something. But in doing so, don’t you think you are being very unfair to the people who are being judged by you?

I’m not denying that we all judge people. We judge those who wears neon tapered pants and walks past us. We judge the hot bods on the beach or the cuties in the gym. Be they as ‘hot fucks’ or ‘fashion road-kill’, we all judge. But do not call yourself a friend when you judge someone behind their back and put on a hypocritical front to show what a ‘supportive person’ you are. Don’t stand at the sidelines and play a cynic. If you do not understand someone or someone else’s lifestyle choice, why not just get to know them for your own? Isn’t that a better alternative as compared to simply judging them at the back of your mind?

Currently starting my freshie year in SP. Got to know my class… all really nice people. Most of which I have come clean to. Accordingly, they are all fine with my orientation and the things which I do but at the back of my mind, there is still a little worry that screams caution. I don’t know if this is temporal or if they really do accept me for who I am. Only time will tell.

Decided not to get into a relationship for awhile. Not sure if I can handle another relationship right now. As much as things goes, MR J is pretty much a decent chap. However, I just don’t think I feel romantic and if I agree to go out on a date, it would pretty much seem like I am leading him on.

Just found out bout another few guys who have been tested positive and are really young. It’s a lil upsetting to know that these teenagers are becoming sexually active at a younger age without protection. I cannot pity those who become positive through their lifestyle choice. If you choose to be promiscuous and not use protection, you KNOW why you are infected. Whether with a fuck buddy or with a partner, getting a condom isn’t that difficult. I just saw that 7-11 is selling a big box at 16 bucks.

I’m willing to be a friend and spend time and chat over coffee or such. But I tune out to self pity. What’s the point of telling me ‘woe is me’? I do not believe that we should be saying “ there there…come into my arms…its all going to be ok…” GET REAL. It ain’t gonna be ok! Help them stand up on their own 2 feet! Be a pillar of support… not a freaking dummy for them to leech on cause it doesn’t help them one bit.

 

Making a plea to all who is reading my post. Use protection. Be safe.

[K]azuki



Friday, March 28, 2008, 11:12 PM

Am actually typing this entry out on the words format. Reason behind this particularly peculiar behavior will be explained further. Currently I’m in Singapore Polytechnic’s T4 block waiting so anxiously to get my laptop self certified. As you all may have already know, I am using a macbook. Which might I add is so fucking cool! Sitting in the computer lab among Acer’s 4920 models feeling lost and just a tad bit irritated. The lab attendent looks around and spots ONLY the acer and not my macbook! Apparently I was redirected into this room because the leopard OS doesn’t work as it should when it comes to downloading the software that the school provides. The man said: “ give me a second and I’ll get my stuff to attend to you”. “YOU” meaning all of  5 of us sitting in this lab!

And now after I just raised my hands to said “ excuse me, But I have not been given ANY instructions as to what I should be doing with the software given!”

He had a somewhat shocked expression as if I wasn’t sitting here for the past 20 min staring into blank space.  “ ooh~ You are using a macbook right? (duh) There should be a different set of instructions to downloading the software in the booklet.”

I replied bluntly: “I HAVE read through the booklet and there is no instructions for mac….”

He NOW tells me…to sit tight and he will check for me.

Now redirected to yet another separate sitting area but finally with other mac…but I’m still sitting here without any instructions as to what I should do.

Several hours later, am finally done with the configuration of my com! (and I do mean several!!!) Went home to get bathed and changed before I headed back to school again. Now with the SP Primers at MOBERLY block having their BBQ. Not eating much though. As rare as this is, I have nothing but praise for this ‘club’. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m forced into this, but rather, a part of this little family of theirs! (their own words) It feels somewhat homely in this dimly lit atmosphere as laughter can be heard exploding from various areas of this courtyard. It really is an interesting experience as the seniors themselves seem to be having a good time. Much different from the sec school cheer-leader personalities. It really is a fun day. Its carefree and not much on forced into doing things which people find particularly embarrassing.  

In the transition from secondary school to poly, this ‘club’ provides a more than sufficient bridge to make u feel right at home and less of a deer caught in the head lamps of a truck. Family isn’t just the one’s you are born into. It is also the one you make with your own hands. Those are to cherish for life…

Over all, this is a good day. This evening more than makes up for the less than delightful start of the day. I might just consider to join them as a CCA.

OHHH….and I’m not outed yet…still considering if I should~ hehe


[K]azuki

PS. This post is typed over a span of 9 hours!



Sunday, March 23, 2008, 5:28 PM

I've decided that from now on, my blog shall be weekly based. Which means in one week i'll try to gather as much information and bits of lil bitchy things to blog about. I find it nicer to blog (and i'm sure, to read) about issues that come up in our lives as compared to the "omg today i went shopping with so and so! sooo soo soooo fun lah!!!!".

Well currently I'm starting anew with a fresh new page of my life. Hello. My name is Johnathon and i'm 17 this year. I'm doing a diploma in Optometry in Singapore Poly. My new school term is starting and i really should be checking if i'm read for it rather than blogging. haha. Recently watched finish all 6 seasons of "Sex And The City". Damn i feel accomplished! Oh and i'm single but not very available. But still! Don't hesitate to drop me a msg using which ever friend-making site.  =D

Hmmm... Currently, what broods on my mind is the fact that teens these days seem to have a more warped mind then ever. (The following example excludes me =D ) 
The last time i 'pop-ed' into IRC was bout...3 weeks ago? Around there. But it seems like, within a matter of 2 week, pods have sprung up in houses of teenagers, attached themselves to teenage gays forehead and used electric pulses to change their mindset. Apparently the new trend of making a friend has a lot to do with sexual preference. The conversation i had with this boy went something like,

Him: " You seek friends arhx?"
me: "yeap"
him: "ohhh....i'm top. You leh?"
me: "does it matter??"
him: " cuz if u top then i oso top...no point being friends mah."
me: "so what u're saying is that tops can only make friends with bottoms and vice versa?"
him: "like that then make more sense mah"

I'm sorry? But did i miss a news flash that states that only tops can make friends with bottoms? 'Cause seriously, i didn't think that sexual preference made a difference when it comes to knowing someone new. If the situation was a straight guy refusing to make friends with me because of my orientation, that i can TRY to understand. But this is complete and utter bullshit. They aren't looking for friendship as compared to a fuck buddy. Which brings out another point. Promiscuity has spread so deep into the teenagers in the gay circle that apparently friends can double as a fuck buddy.
Promiscuity : The new romance for the 21st century... or for all who simply have no time for it? Not trying to be a priest and preach how bad promiscuity and random sex is. I have enjoyed my fair share of male company. But don't hide your intentions of making friends who can also multi purpose as a fuck buddy cuz it's not sincere. It's convenience. Promiscuity has become so common I'd rather say it was a culture than a habit. However, which promiscuity is more acceptable... Emotional or Physical? That question, we all have to answer at our own pace.

For me, I find them both equally unacceptable when it comes to a r/s. Maybe my views will change in time. But thats what they are now and with this i end my post!  Now i shall go back to my anime and rather unhappening life =D

[K]azuki


Saturday, March 15, 2008, 11:41 AM

My first post on my new macbook. Wanted to blog bout it, but dun seem to be in the mood. Have some problems and this would probably be one of the only places where i can say what i want to. 

I'm currently dating someone new and things aren't exactly going smoothly. Just had our third fight last night. Here's my question, when in a relationship is it alright to say ' i'm just being me' ? Does that mean that if two individual personalities dun hit it off, there is absolutely no chance of a relationship? If a relationship has 2 "Me"s in it, will there ever be space to make it a "We"? While people around me can simply say 'look around for more options' and 'things probably wont work out for u guys. Just break.' What are my options?

Robert Frost once wrote:
'Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?'
This is only part of his poem 'Reluctance'. But by just this bit, what i get from it, it seems to say 'follow your heart'.
Perhaps one reason why i can't just end this, is simply the word 'reluctance'. Bout the best thing that happened to me thus far but i have no solutions to this problem. I dunno how i can move forward nor backwards. My ego makes it hard for me to let things go and simply smile it off and move forward. My reluctance prevents me from taking a step back from what i already have. When is it right for me to compromise my ideas? Similarly, stand up for them?

And while everyone has started off their Saturday routines, i'm sitting here with more questions than i have answers to. I wish i could just simply voice this out to my date, but im afraid to get into another fight. In which case, the old saying of ' settling ur problems together' doesn't quite go together does it? I wish things would simply just be simple and where i can share problems and talk things out with. Maybe it's me. I currently have no clue. I dunno if i should move forward or back. 

[K]azuki


Monday, March 03, 2008, 12:50 AM

im single again...but this time...im not really that sad after all...something came about from it..

this relationship which just ended, was with my ideal and not with reality. The ideal boyfriend pop-ed into my life and swept me away...or so i thought. It was everything i imagined and it was perfect. and that was where the problem lies... it was everything i imagined.

He swept me off my feet like i imagined him to. He asked me out and toke romantic strides with me to keep me company. He even kissed like i thought he would. There was nothing fresh in it. Nothing for me to anticipate. Nothing for me to want nor feel bashful about. Everything felt like i have lived through it already and it felt much more like a dear old friend rather than a lover. I ended it on feburary 29th...a day that comes once every four years...by the time i go through this day again. I hope i will have sincerely found someone who is imperfect.

Im going to stop looking for perfection. If life throws me a curve ball...i see no point in avoiding anymore...i will move on with what i've got. Im not going to be afraid of commiting. Maybe people see it as dumb and putting myself on the chopping board but i see no point of me being coi anymore. The perfect ideal date no longer exist to me. I will take what i've got...memories and all...and move on...when the world gets dark and cold...this are what i will wrap myself in and push on...

tonight...i spent the most imperfect evening with the most imperfect gentleman... but to me..it was perfect... enough company...enough support and enough time for me to think things through. (this is the best reason for stayin in town) The walk back home from the grand cathay...i toke alone...by choice...but i didnt really feel alone... try this next time...dun allow ur date to send u home...go home by urself...and think bout what happened on that date...cuz all i could remember was the feeling of being touched and a broad boyish smile. And that was more than enough. After all...imperfection in an imperfect world...is perfection...what irony. haha... but im moving on...with someone willing to stand by me and help me along... someone i can truly see myself grow old with. Quoting from 'P.S. I Love You' : It is a privilige to grow old with someone u love...
I'll let things flow for now... I dun wanna rush into what a r/s should be...but rather can be...

To K. : Thanks for everythIng... slap me if u wish... scoLd me if u have tO...u leaVe me at a lost of words...i've never mEt someone like U...nor imagined with u in my life...thank you...

[K]azuki


Terror! Strikes

just a simple blog of mine down here :D

feared.

[K]azuki
*johnathon kwok (yes its john-a-thon)
*2nd October(beta mark it down n get present!)
*sweet 16!
*libran
*Bisexual
*fun lovin,cheerful....n more 4 u to find out XD
*aikido_rawks@hotmail.com(feel free to add me on msn^^)
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